Music: Broaden Your Horizons

   It's been a while sense I've posted but I thought the next subject could be about something that everyone can relate to: music.
   Everyone enjoys their own brand of music whether it be rock, rap, classical, orchestral, jazz, trance, blues, etc.  And while it's fine to stick to your own brand(s), it can be rewarding to branch out. Most people identify with their particular styles. Sometimes people get made fun of for listening to a style that most people in their circle might not like. And to that I say "phooey." Listen to what you want to listen.
   But more on the subject of branching out or broadening your horizons.  Music has a funny way of moving the soul. Indeed I believe there's more to it...perhaps supernatural...than what we know and think. And because of that I feel that it's only well, almost an obligation to listen to other styles. I used to only enjoy a few types of music when I was younger, mainly classical and rock. But I started listening to others; country, oldies, industrial, orchestral, trance, hip-hop, and even some rap. I have not been disappointed. There are many new songs/styles that have made their way into my library.
  So I guess what I am trying to say is this. Get out of your comfort zone. And yes that's ironic coming from an Aspie. But you never know until you try. A whole new genre can really enrich your life that much more.

Movies

  Couldn't really think of any topics to talk about so I decided to start doing Top Ten's. The first one will be about movies. I'm moreso focusing on the tear jerkers. Or the ones that REALLY draw you in.

1. Armageddon
2. Gladiator
3. Enemy Mine
4. Lord of the Rings trilogy
5. Star Wars trilogy (the original)
6. Dances with Wolves
7. Avatar
8. The Green Mile
9.
10.

   I couldn't think of any for the last two. Perhaps you can give me your own suggestions.

Inexplicable

  Well I've been really hesitant to make this post. Because I don't mean to make people feel bad. Nor do I wish to make people upset with me. But please understand, this is how many Aspies feel. And probably plagues more than just Aspies.
  Loneliness. We've all felt it. We all know it. Some more deeply than others. Some more often than others. It can be a touchy subject. Because someone can say "I am really lonely" and friends/family may say "Don't you have me/us? Don't I/we count?" What some people fail to realize is that there are several levels of loneliness. There is more than just being physically alone.
  I believe most people are lonely on at least one level. Or at least have been in some degree. And what exactly are the levels? Well I've discovered about 8 forms of it in my experience. 1) Physically 2) Romantically 3) Emotionally 4) Mentally 5) Spiritually 6) In consciousness and thought (which is really hard to explain) 7) in general relationships and 8) the inexplicable...hence the subject line of this post.
  Unfortunately I believe that many Aspies cover all 8 levels. And I know of many normal people who cover most of them too. I'd love to "explain" what the inexplicable form is...but it really can't be done...hence the wording. But my best guestimate it is possibly a combination of the other 7. And in doing that it's magnified greatly. I'd love to go into all 8 in more detail. But I'll leave that for the reader to research. And some of it is pretty obvious anyways.
  I can say for myself that I cover most of them. Thankfully I do have family and friends so I don't lack general relationships and I'm not always physically alone either. And as for myself...I don't want pity. I don't want people saying "aww I'm sorry" or "Is there anything I can do to help?". Because to me the sorry part is just cliche and has lost all meaning. And the helping part...not a lot any one single person can do. But I believe most Aspies appreciate the concern and sentiment. And they appreciate it even more when a person takes the time to sit down and really try to understand...though the Aspie knows deep down that they usually cannot. Aspie thing or not it is how I personally feel. And my heart goes out to others who feel the same way.

Inquire with Care

  So here comes another Aspie topic. And this is one of those topics that may rub people the wrong way. Aspies are Aspies and they feel what they feel, so deal with it. Tonight's topic is : How an Aspie reacts to someone inquiring how they are feeling/doing.
  Now when most people ask a person how they are or how they are doing...its usually because they care to some extent. The closer the person is to the subject, the more care is put into the question. Now how could this be a problem? Well there's a couple of issues here.
  First, an Aspie's mind is constantly running...and I mean constantly. When someone walks by and asks "how are you?"...it's not that we don't care...it's that we don't care. We are too busy thinking about something else to really answer the question truthfully. Now most people usually just say "I'm fine" or  "everything is going ok". That really falls under everyone...Aspie or not. But I think the difference here is that a non-Aspie is trying to be polite and not hold the inquirer up by explaining their life story. Sense an Aspie's mind is running a mile a minute, they simply may not hear you asking, or they may be too busy with their own thoughts to respond right away. So don't get offended. It's just the way it is.
  Secondly, an Aspie's mind is unusually complex. It's not easy to just say how they are feeling. Or how they feel things are going. I know from personal experience that my answers my be brief because I simply do not wish to bore the person with the novel that is my current thoughts. It is extremely difficult to answer one of the simplest questions truthfully. I compare it to asking a person "how does a nuclear reactor work?" You really can't explain it in a sentence or two. The answer is complex. And most people don't have the time (or care enough) to sit down and listen.
  Now thankfully I do realize that most people who inquire about my feelings really do care. Such as family,friends, co-workers, and aquaintences. And I truly hope the same is for many Aspies out there. It's only right of us to answer the person politely. Even if it's a simple "meh" or "I'm ok right now" or "I'll explain later". After all they cared enough to ask. Aspies are human too and thus should act civil.
  So my advice? Keep asking how people are doing. Keep caring. Eventually you'll strike a nerve. But be careful, you may get a very long and wordy response ;).

To Stim or Not to Stim

  Well I thought I would address yet another Asperger's tendency. Stimming: What is it and why do Aspies feel the need to do it? It can be quite embarrassing (depending on the person's personal stimming). Unfortunately, most people are unfamiliar with it.

 Wikipedia defines stimming as a repetitive body movement that is hypothesized to stimulate one or more senses. The term is shorthand for self-stimulation. Repetitive movement, or stereotypy, is often referred to as stimming under the hypothesis that it has a function related to sensory input. This would include such things as: rocking back and forth, knee bobbing, spinning toys, flapping of the hands or arms, making funny noises, facial tics, certain types of singing or talking, nail biting and many other examples.

  Now why do Aspies do this? The function of stimming and how it is designed is to provide nervous system arousal. The theory being that it helps autistic people "normalize". I'm not sure about the "normalizing" part. But it does help us to relax. I have read a few other blog posts about this subject and I agree with most of what they say. It allows an Aspie to focus on sensitivity and relax the thinking parts of the brain. And the ability to stop thinking, even for a short while, is a relief.

  As embarrassing as it may be for myself, I wish to share what exactly I do. I'm only sharing this because I want people to be aware of such things and to help anybody with Asperger's. I have a tendency of flapping my hands when I am overstimulated. When I am nervous or bored I rub my fingers along my palm. I make odd repetitive noises sometimes. People have seen me do some of these things and it is very embarrassing. But it cannot be helped. It's an Aspie thing. It's what we do.

The Passing of the Storm

  Well I suppose I'll touch upon another Aspie issue tonight. Why do we get so upset? Why does it take so long for us to calm down? And what, if anything, can anybody can do about it?

  I compare an Aspie's time of distress as a storm. Often it can spur up from nowhere and grow bigger and bigger. There's little that anybody can do about it. It does it's damage and then it moves on or dissipates. I realize that most people on this planet do get upset. Some more than others. But I also know that an Aspie feels things much deeper than most people. And that's the "problem". That is the root of many of our issues. 

  I cannot stress to you enough how much deeper an Aspie feels, about anything. Now I'm not saying that nobody else feels things deeply. But I am speaking in a more general sense. However, there is more to it than just "feeling things more deeply". The mind and way of thinking for an Aspie is extremely complex. But I will try to focus on the main branches. First off, an Aspie will feel that his or her opinion is the RIGHT opinion. People with Asperger's fancy themselves to be very logical and literal and therefore, RIGHT.  Secondly, we tend to obsess over things. Which is why I believe so many of us hold grudges and have a difficult time in forgiving others. Thirdly, we often take things personally; VERY personally. These three things combine for the perfect storm. 

 Most of the time there is nothing that a person can really do to help us in our time of anger. We just have to feel what we feel until the negativity blows over. During this time an Aspie can be EXTREMELY sensitive. You have to be careful in how you speak to them when you know they are angry or in pain. It's almost like touching an open wound. The slightest little poke can be extremely painful. Be warned, an Aspie WILL lash out if they take anything the wrong way. I compare this to an animal being cornered or trapped.

 Now this does not mean that you shouldn't TRY to help. I know I greatly appreciate it when someone at least tries to understand. For someone to be friendly and listen to what you are mad about. It feels good to know that somebody else cares. And I believe that to be true for anybody. Just don't be surprised when an Aspie rejects your help or clams up entirely. It is sad that this happens. But it's true. 

Pathways

 I've decided to share some of my poetry every so often on here. So here is one that I wrote about six years ago. Though it may seem a little hard to understand. It's supposed to make you think.

Pathways

The pathways meddled through my head,
Keeping in mind the almost prophetic words of those before.
All starting from a single point, growing out
Into infinite time and infinite space in infinite direction.
It seems that the greatest gift of all;choice,
Spawns the very ways we live our lives.
The entangling spiderwebs of fate both
Define and derive from thought within.
I found myself somehow puzzled as my foot
Made its existence known upon the infinite plane.
Would the direction my corporeal mind; struggling
To make some sort of sense of it all, bring to me
Salvation from the more obviously damned paths?
Or would my sentience become subject to those
Paths whom reap death, destruction and malice?
Light and darkness, order and chaos, strife and peace,
Things that should be clear-cut within ones mind become
Somewhat; to the surprise of many, clouded.
And beyond those clouded and confusing thoughts
A constant raging battle, for my very essence.
The outcome, however, the way the war sways
All depending on one simple thing, choice.

A Great Enemy

   Well sense this is my first blog post I will try to not ramble on. As someone with Asperger's I can tell you how hard change can be. Obviously, change is not easy for anybody. But it hits an Aspie (little nickname for those diagnosed with Asperger's) even harder. It can literally stop us in our tracks. We won't go to work, we won't talk to friends, we can't enjoy anything, etc etc. I could go on and on about this but I am trying to get at something else.
  Because change is so difficult for an Aspie, their emotions can become intensified greatly. Usually these emotions include anger, frustration, depression and perhaps a sense of awkwardness. I can say from personal experience that I have became quite angry and irritable towards authority figures or even family members. I admit I have lashed out quite harshly towards people. My point is this. Because of our intensified emotions, many people take that for face value. An Aspie's opinion or feeling about a particular change will be somewhat diminished. "Oh they just can't take change so it's natural that they are so irate." This makes an Aspie feel as if their words mean nothing. That their views are brushed aside as a result of their condition rather than being valid. Think of the stereotypical crazy guy in a horror flick that nobody listens to BECAUSE he's crazy (or so he's labeled).
  I often feel as if my opinions do not matter. That how I am feeling is a result of me being so upset rather than being a valid point. This is a HUGE ego buster. It is a great enemy. My confidence, my self-esteem have taken a blow because of this. It is almost instilled in me that my voice lacks any validity. That nobody takes me seriously. That my complaints about a boss or a co-worker or about anything lack any coherent sense. Now thankfully I have alot of support in my life. God, family members, friends; they've all been there for me. But many other Aspies are not nearly so lucky. And my heart goes out to them.
  So what is the solution? Awareness. And how do you spread awareness? Well this blog is a good start. To the people who may be reading this and feel the same way. I say voice your opinion when something changes in your life. Don't be quiet. Voice it louder. Voice it harder. Make it known that this is HOW you feel and you are as valid as the next person!