Well I've been really hesitant to make this post. Because I don't mean to make people feel bad. Nor do I wish to make people upset with me. But please understand, this is how many Aspies feel. And probably plagues more than just Aspies.
Loneliness. We've all felt it. We all know it. Some more deeply than others. Some more often than others. It can be a touchy subject. Because someone can say "I am really lonely" and friends/family may say "Don't you have me/us? Don't I/we count?" What some people fail to realize is that there are several levels of loneliness. There is more than just being physically alone.
I believe most people are lonely on at least one level. Or at least have been in some degree. And what exactly are the levels? Well I've discovered about 8 forms of it in my experience. 1) Physically 2) Romantically 3) Emotionally 4) Mentally 5) Spiritually 6) In consciousness and thought (which is really hard to explain) 7) in general relationships and 8) the inexplicable...hence the subject line of this post.
Unfortunately I believe that many Aspies cover all 8 levels. And I know of many normal people who cover most of them too. I'd love to "explain" what the inexplicable form is...but it really can't be done...hence the wording. But my best guestimate it is possibly a combination of the other 7. And in doing that it's magnified greatly. I'd love to go into all 8 in more detail. But I'll leave that for the reader to research. And some of it is pretty obvious anyways.
I can say for myself that I cover most of them. Thankfully I do have family and friends so I don't lack general relationships and I'm not always physically alone either. And as for myself...I don't want pity. I don't want people saying "aww I'm sorry" or "Is there anything I can do to help?". Because to me the sorry part is just cliche and has lost all meaning. And the helping part...not a lot any one single person can do. But I believe most Aspies appreciate the concern and sentiment. And they appreciate it even more when a person takes the time to sit down and really try to understand...though the Aspie knows deep down that they usually cannot. Aspie thing or not it is how I personally feel. And my heart goes out to others who feel the same way.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Inquire with Care
So here comes another Aspie topic. And this is one of those topics that may rub people the wrong way. Aspies are Aspies and they feel what they feel, so deal with it. Tonight's topic is : How an Aspie reacts to someone inquiring how they are feeling/doing.
Now when most people ask a person how they are or how they are doing...its usually because they care to some extent. The closer the person is to the subject, the more care is put into the question. Now how could this be a problem? Well there's a couple of issues here.
First, an Aspie's mind is constantly running...and I mean constantly. When someone walks by and asks "how are you?"...it's not that we don't care...it's that we don't care. We are too busy thinking about something else to really answer the question truthfully. Now most people usually just say "I'm fine" or "everything is going ok". That really falls under everyone...Aspie or not. But I think the difference here is that a non-Aspie is trying to be polite and not hold the inquirer up by explaining their life story. Sense an Aspie's mind is running a mile a minute, they simply may not hear you asking, or they may be too busy with their own thoughts to respond right away. So don't get offended. It's just the way it is.
Secondly, an Aspie's mind is unusually complex. It's not easy to just say how they are feeling. Or how they feel things are going. I know from personal experience that my answers my be brief because I simply do not wish to bore the person with the novel that is my current thoughts. It is extremely difficult to answer one of the simplest questions truthfully. I compare it to asking a person "how does a nuclear reactor work?" You really can't explain it in a sentence or two. The answer is complex. And most people don't have the time (or care enough) to sit down and listen.
Now thankfully I do realize that most people who inquire about my feelings really do care. Such as family,friends, co-workers, and aquaintences. And I truly hope the same is for many Aspies out there. It's only right of us to answer the person politely. Even if it's a simple "meh" or "I'm ok right now" or "I'll explain later". After all they cared enough to ask. Aspies are human too and thus should act civil.
So my advice? Keep asking how people are doing. Keep caring. Eventually you'll strike a nerve. But be careful, you may get a very long and wordy response ;).
Now when most people ask a person how they are or how they are doing...its usually because they care to some extent. The closer the person is to the subject, the more care is put into the question. Now how could this be a problem? Well there's a couple of issues here.
First, an Aspie's mind is constantly running...and I mean constantly. When someone walks by and asks "how are you?"...it's not that we don't care...it's that we don't care. We are too busy thinking about something else to really answer the question truthfully. Now most people usually just say "I'm fine" or "everything is going ok". That really falls under everyone...Aspie or not. But I think the difference here is that a non-Aspie is trying to be polite and not hold the inquirer up by explaining their life story. Sense an Aspie's mind is running a mile a minute, they simply may not hear you asking, or they may be too busy with their own thoughts to respond right away. So don't get offended. It's just the way it is.
Secondly, an Aspie's mind is unusually complex. It's not easy to just say how they are feeling. Or how they feel things are going. I know from personal experience that my answers my be brief because I simply do not wish to bore the person with the novel that is my current thoughts. It is extremely difficult to answer one of the simplest questions truthfully. I compare it to asking a person "how does a nuclear reactor work?" You really can't explain it in a sentence or two. The answer is complex. And most people don't have the time (or care enough) to sit down and listen.
Now thankfully I do realize that most people who inquire about my feelings really do care. Such as family,friends, co-workers, and aquaintences. And I truly hope the same is for many Aspies out there. It's only right of us to answer the person politely. Even if it's a simple "meh" or "I'm ok right now" or "I'll explain later". After all they cared enough to ask. Aspies are human too and thus should act civil.
So my advice? Keep asking how people are doing. Keep caring. Eventually you'll strike a nerve. But be careful, you may get a very long and wordy response ;).
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